The Mystery of the Poo

The other day I opened one of the closets in the kids room.  "Something in that laundry basket smells rank," said my husband.

Our washing machine was on the fritz last week, so I figured it was some laundry that we'd missed taking to the laundry place.

Have I ever mentioned that I love laundry service? All your clothes washed and meticulously folded for $30.  That's for about 4 loads of laundry.  I love it.  I wish I could use it all the time.  I might have to do a cost analysis on doing laundry ourselves vs. sending it to a laundry service. 

But I digress.  You want to know about the mystery of the poo.

Investigating the smell in the closet, there was definintely some sort of nasty stench.  A nasty, earthy, rank pong.  Sherlock Mom immediately turned to Seth.  "Did you. . . have an accident and put the clothes in the basket?"

Hey, accidents happen.  We all have had accidents in our lifetimes!

"No, I didn't!  Gee, mom, why would you ACCUSE me of that!" he said belligerently.  After many exchanges reassuring immunity from prosecution and reiterations of innocence, we took the basket out of the room.

The fug remained.

Gary and I started turning his shoes over to inspect the soles.  Now, as far as I can tell, dog lovers are pretty diligent about cleaning up after their pets.  But you never know what happened.  There have been reported sightings of a hedgehog in our backyard.  Something could have been stepped in and then put in the closet unknowingly. 

"Ummmm, here's the source," said Gary.  He pointed to a pair of shoes in Seth's closet.  Sitting atop his flashy blue and orange Adidas was a fat, multicolored poo.

We sat in shock, staring at this unwelcome addition.  What the?  After cathartic discussion and Gary's toxic waste cleanup, we've come to two hypotheses.

1.  Cat

Our house has two cat doors.  Twice we've had visits from neighborhood cats.  Once I was sitting on the sofa and an orange and white tabby walked through the hallway.  Suddenly, he stopped in the doorway and stared at me, outraged that I had the audacity to be there.  He turned and left promptly.

Another time, I woke up at 3 AM, and looked at our open bedroom door.  Just then, a big black and white tuxedo cat streaked past the door on the way outside.

It is plausible that a cat somehow got into Seth's closet and had a potty break, but I tend to doubt it.  Not so much that I doubt a cat would do that.  I've known some psychotic cats in my life who would be quite capable of pooping in some random closet.  No, the reason I doubt it is that I've had cats for most of my life and the size and shape of that turd didn't correspond to a typical cat poo.

I'm actually not proud to have that kind of knowledge.

Additionally, I keep all the closet doors closed.  I can't stand a closet door or drawer left ajar.  It is one of my pet peeves.  That leads me to my second group of suspects.

2.  Child

Children are funny.  They're quirky.  They like to play practical jokes.  Sometimes, dare I say it - they are inappropriate. 

My kids are friends with a couple of kids who are neighbors.  Sometimes they get into fights.  Usually the fights take the form of kicking someone in the mouth and vowing to never play with them again. 

Is it possible that a child pooped in my son's closet, thinking it was the sweetest, funniest kind of revenge?  I'm not ruling it out.  Please let it be known that I am not excusing my own children of this suspicion.  I'm nothing if not fair.  Both of my children have been known to pee in the backyard because she's busy playing and didn't feel like making the trek inside to the toilet.

Believe me, I'm not bragging about this.

The only person I've ruled out of the possibilities is Seth.  He would never poop on his own shoes, in his own closet.  There are not many certainties in this world, but that is one I would never doubt.

I know I'll never get to the bottom of this intrigue.  All I can do is hope that our closets remain poo-free in the future.